It's been several weeks since writing anything here. Pretty sure that as the buzz of facebook withdrawals has faded, so too has the desire to write. Instead, we've been busy just plain living~ with a great deal of adventure along the way. In a nutshell, the last several weeks have revolved around "having heart", "taking heart" and "getting to the heart" of the matter. Get the theme? :-)
Watching one of your kids struggle (with anything) is painful. Fighting people to see what you see is almost "out of body." Advocating for your kid requires a parent to dig deep inside (getting to the heart) and know that instinct trumps experience tenfold when it's your child. You don't have to experience your kid breaking a leg in order to know instinctively that climbing a tree can be very dangerous for them. Watching a child struggle academically doesn't require you to wait for them to fail in order to instinctively push for "more." You see them struggling, you feel the risks involved and you move to protect them. More help, more support, more love, more compassion, more accommodation...... Unfortunately, the US educational system is set up to intervene only when the kid has broken not just one leg, but 2. Two academic years behind. That's what it takes in order to get your kid qualified for special education. That is, unless you are a parent who refuses to watch your kid break anything in the first place. Struggles are there (the dangerous tree is looming). Intuitively, lets just protect them! Keep the kid from falling in the first place. Falling behind, falling out of line, falling into poor choices....falling away from the passion they have, the love of learning, the enthusiasm for new opportunities....
So, we have had to "have heart," "take heart," and "get to the heart of the matter" with the school recently and it's been uncomfortable, painful and sometimes it has even felt hopeless. But.... not impossible. So we stay. We bring our kiddos to the door of the school, let them cross the threshold and once they do so, we hold our breath and trust that the steps they take in the classroom, on the playground, around the halls--- with friends, teachers, support people, the principal..... all those valuable steps will lead our kiddos back home to us each night and once this crazy 13 year marathon is over, the kids will emerge on the other side of this system prepared to do with their life everything they ever hoped for..... everything we as parents ever dreamed of.
On the other side of the coin, we were recently reminded again how perfectly imperfect life is. More specifically, how amazing our body is. Bryan has gone 36 years without a pericardium (the outermost layer of the heart) without it ever being detected. Not surprising though since this condition is really quite rare. In these 36 years without his pericardium to anchor his heart to the rest of chest, his heart has migrated. Instead of being just above his diaphragm, just to the left of his sternal notch, Bryan's heart intrudes on his left lung and lists on it's side, pointing it's apex towards his armpit. Mayo Clinic offered help to get to the "heart of the matter" and now we understand why Bryan's recent EKG and echocardiograms were troubling....Why the doctor heard a murmur and even why he's had some of the pain he's had. Strange, strange, strange turn of events. Nevertheless, the doctors at Mayo assure us this is not life-altering. What poses the biggest risk to Bryan now and in the future is the size of the vessels coming off the top of his heart. They are dilated. No one seems to have a good answer as to why but ultimately, if they get too big they could tear and rupture--- and the outcome of either of those situations is very scary. Alas! We have medicine and places like the Mayo Clinic to keep an eye on all of this! What a great miracle.
Either way, we've had plenty of worry "near to our hearts" this past several weeks. We are thankful ("from the bottom of our hearts") for systems that work, people who care, places who take care of us. We are thankful for each other, our families, friends. With all of this medical drama as well as all that has gone on at school for the kids, we have had a "change of heart" about our priorities. Health is for keeping. Illness is for treating. Life is for filling in the blanks between it all. There's going to be plenty of "dangerous trees" in our lives and in our kiddos lives. If we all looked deep enough, each of us has some form of a missing "piece" like Bryan's missing pericardium. We can choose to focus on what we don't have (medically, physically, emotionally, socially, financially, etc) or embrace all that we do have. Bryan's heart might not have it's "jacket" but it is strong, probably more resilient because of it. The school may not always offer the kiddos all that they need to get a perfect report card but the kids have spirits and souls and dreams and skills far beyond anything that can be measured.
~with all my heart~
Leslie
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
January 28th Sweetheart Ball: Hawley, MN
My dad shared a special night with the girls yesterday--- and I think everyone had a very memorable evening--- surely one I will never forget!!! Thanks Grandpa and Grandma for being such "GRAND" grandparents to our kiddos!!!!! Love you guys so much!
Grand March with Grandpa
2nd Annual Sweetheart Ball, Hawley MN January 28, 2011: Grandpa's date with Sophia and Cecelia--- they announced my dad and the girls a little wrong but that's okay--- it was still really sweet!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Birthdays and other things
Birthdays....
Today, my mother-in-law would have turned 60. Happiest Birthday wishes to you in Heaven, Linda. We miss you so very much.... and are reminded of you in one way or another each day. Today, it was dilly bars. We "celebrated" your special day with the kids by bringing home dilly bars----- something you always went out of your way to bring with you whenever you came to visit us. Such a simple, silly thing but I'm quite certain the 5 of us will forever think of you whenever we're treating ourselves to those yummy DQ treats :) Time has allowed our hearts to heal and move forward, memory has allowed us to hold you close always. If you were here today, I'm quite certain that all of us who loved you would be having a little shindig in your honor---one way or another whether you wanted it or not!!!
and other things.....
Ironically, as I was sitting at dance today waiting for Sophia to finish up, I saw something that made me probably stare a little too long... Here's what it looked like:
Mom and daughter walked holding hands out of the women's bathroom (the daughter looked to be about 2). In the mom's free hand was an i-pad or some other type of electronic tablet type thing. Normal enough for this day and age? Yes.
Where it got weird was the fact that she (the mom) was enthralled in watching something on the electronic device and the daughter (2 yrs old at most) literally led her out of the bathroom and back to their table with the mom glancing up maybe just once or twice.
All I can say, and this is me be 100% judgemental, is "How in the heck did we get here?" No one talks to each other anymore---- surely this mom was completely offline with her kid while watching whatever it was she was watching/studying on the ipad...... but further--- you get in an elevator and everyone pulls out their phone and checks it. No more small talk. No talk at all for that matter. You walk down the streets and everyone has their head buried down, studying their phones or electronic devices, just like this lady from dance had today. Sitting in doctors office waiting rooms and even waiting for food at a restaurant---- everywhere you look, there are enormous numbers of people with their heads buried in their electronics, tuned out from the present world and tuned in to everything virtual and disconnected. Yes, there you have it---- 100% judgmental, 100% opinion. NEVERTHELESS, I should also say that I'm at times just as guilty of this disconnection thing--- especially in places where I really don't want to make small talk (like the elevator in my parking ramp at work or waiting in line at Jimmy John's).....Anyway.... Enough of my rant. All I'm left to say is that I hope the lady with the ipad stuck to her hand coming out of the bathroom at least washed :-). gross. I wonder where she put it when she was sitting on the toilet!?!?
Today, my mother-in-law would have turned 60. Happiest Birthday wishes to you in Heaven, Linda. We miss you so very much.... and are reminded of you in one way or another each day. Today, it was dilly bars. We "celebrated" your special day with the kids by bringing home dilly bars----- something you always went out of your way to bring with you whenever you came to visit us. Such a simple, silly thing but I'm quite certain the 5 of us will forever think of you whenever we're treating ourselves to those yummy DQ treats :) Time has allowed our hearts to heal and move forward, memory has allowed us to hold you close always. If you were here today, I'm quite certain that all of us who loved you would be having a little shindig in your honor---one way or another whether you wanted it or not!!!
and other things.....
Ironically, as I was sitting at dance today waiting for Sophia to finish up, I saw something that made me probably stare a little too long... Here's what it looked like:
Mom and daughter walked holding hands out of the women's bathroom (the daughter looked to be about 2). In the mom's free hand was an i-pad or some other type of electronic tablet type thing. Normal enough for this day and age? Yes.
Where it got weird was the fact that she (the mom) was enthralled in watching something on the electronic device and the daughter (2 yrs old at most) literally led her out of the bathroom and back to their table with the mom glancing up maybe just once or twice.
All I can say, and this is me be 100% judgemental, is "How in the heck did we get here?" No one talks to each other anymore---- surely this mom was completely offline with her kid while watching whatever it was she was watching/studying on the ipad...... but further--- you get in an elevator and everyone pulls out their phone and checks it. No more small talk. No talk at all for that matter. You walk down the streets and everyone has their head buried down, studying their phones or electronic devices, just like this lady from dance had today. Sitting in doctors office waiting rooms and even waiting for food at a restaurant---- everywhere you look, there are enormous numbers of people with their heads buried in their electronics, tuned out from the present world and tuned in to everything virtual and disconnected. Yes, there you have it---- 100% judgmental, 100% opinion. NEVERTHELESS, I should also say that I'm at times just as guilty of this disconnection thing--- especially in places where I really don't want to make small talk (like the elevator in my parking ramp at work or waiting in line at Jimmy John's).....Anyway.... Enough of my rant. All I'm left to say is that I hope the lady with the ipad stuck to her hand coming out of the bathroom at least washed :-). gross. I wonder where she put it when she was sitting on the toilet!?!?
Sunday, January 15, 2012
(untitled)
As we emerge out of the holiday fog in our little house on Winter Street, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re about two cards short of a full-house, three cards short of 3-of-a-kind, four cards short of a flush. Money, money, where art thou?? Alas, as the state of Wisconsin has invited us to pay our share of property tax (by January 31st, nonetheless) and we are preparing to file not only the federal income taxes but also Wisconsin and Minnesota’s share………well, it’s time to get creative in the world of Jensen finances. Grumble grumble grumble. This is the part of being a grown-up that no one ever really prepares you for. Too bad you can’t incorporate the “business” of raising a family and write off all the “bad debt” incurred from year to year—maybe this wouldn’t be such a miserable process. For instance, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to write off your water bill?? That way the however-many-gallons of water you let flow into (then leak from) your kids’ defective blow-up pool on a hot day in July could be recouped. Or what if you could claim a refund for the time/money/effort for the garden that you planted but never grew because you live on a mound of clay? Maybe I would like a deduction for the number of hours of lost sleep I’ve spent worrying about one thing or the other with the kids. How about a deduction for gray hairs? This year, that would have been a real payout for me if you know what I mean. Good thing there is permanent hair dye (also not tax deductible)…..
Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. How could I possibly ever imagine quantifying the value of raising a family~ at least in a way that would bring forth a “refund” of any sort. The real “refund” will come later I imagine—much, much later when we no longer owe the world much and can sit back and enjoy the life we’ve imagined for our kids and the people around us.
Still today, as I work out the math of our short-term budget, I can’t help but daydream about better ways to come up with money. And then…. Just when I think I’ve got things all squared away and worked out, the beautiful plan turns upside down, just as the sands of the hour glass flow--- well, these too are the days of OUR lives. The priority of the leaky kitchen facet repair has now risen on the list as the leak has grown to occurring any time the facet is “ON” and not just when it is “On—full blast”…. The priority of replacing Bryan’s tires has climbed the list too as one of the tires has also ironically sprung a leak. I’m detecting a theme here… J The 9 ½ year old carpet is reaching epic proportions of dinginess and the car I’ve piled 50,000+ miles on in less than 2 years has issued it’s own set of you-still-have-31-months-to-pay-for-me complaints. Imagine my dilemma as I calculate the math of the car issue-----in 31 months I will pile another 65,000 more miles (or so) on my little Civic. With 138,000 miles on it already, I will be just over 200,000 by the time I get this little silver bullet paid for. God willing, this Civic will live up to that long-lasting Honda reputation. I think-she-can-I-think-she-can-I-thing-she-can.
I also recently discovered I have an efficient 12 more years of paying on my ultrasound school loans. Doing the math on that one…. Well, I guess I got the timing on my schooling mostly right! Assuming the kids go to college and finish in 4 years, that would mean Cecelia will be 22 and probably graduating from college in 12 years. I’ll be done paying for my college just in time to help the kids pay for there’s. Ha! I’m such a fantastic planner!?!?!
Either way, all these money woes are what makes us just like everyone else—human and mortal. I may not be able to work out every situation just perfect and surely we’ll be a “day late and a dollar short” plenty of times but ultimately we’ll squeak through this life one way or another—and hopefully we’ll be hollering “Whoa, what a ride!” at the end…… We’ve got a pretty incredible opportunity to do this thing our way and see how it all works out and either way, it’s a miraculous adventure.
Speaking of that (a miraculous adventure), our minister offered an incredible message today at church. It was déjà vu for me from something I heard about 20 years ago… but possibly just as impactful. Today’s message (sermon) was entitled “It’s my life…. Really???” and was delivered to a full-house congregation at Bethel Lutheran in Hudson by Pastor Nelson. 20 years ago, the message was less formal—delivered to a small confirmation class of 14 & 15 year olds in the basement of Hawley Lutheran by Pastor Jorgenson. The underlying “message” for both was that God created our body & we have to do right by it for Him. Back “then”, that message fell on the ears of a very, very sick young woman stricken with anorexia. I remember very, very vividly feeling “singled out” by Pastor Jorgenson as he discussed how harming our bodies equaled to sinning against God and that doing things like starving ourselves was harmful to our bodies. Well yes, of course starving our bodies is harmful--- but I was too sick to process through that and too vulnerable to people’s words to see their “side” of things. The power of the eating disorder exceeded any logic or reasoning skills I had and the starvation had distorted my brainpower enough that even if I could come to some logic with it all, I wasn’t physically strong enough to do much about it. Looking back, I’m 100% sure that Pastor Jorgenson saw how desperately sick I was and was just trying to kick me (or at least my faith) in the backside so I could get out of grip of the illness. Nevertheless, that was the first (and last) time I leaned on my faith to help me get through my struggles with the eating disorder. I was angry at Pastor Jorgenson, embarrassed & shamed for a long, long time. Fast forward approximately 20 years-- to today— same message, different ME. I am now nearly twice the weight I was at my sickest (and the same height—yikes), I have God knows how much more brainpower and am so far from the reaches of anorexia that the message of today sounded blessedly 100% different. Amazing how perspective, time and HEALTH can change things. After Pastor Jorgenson's comments, I never intentionally turned TOWARDS my faith as I worked my way out of the grasp of the eating disorder in my late teens........ but today I am pretty sure I couldn’t have made it all the way out of that awful time without it.
So as I contemplate the budget/taxes/money alongside of this odd déjà vu moment from today, I can’t help but smile, maybe even laugh. This life—taxes, weight and all—is perfect, beautiful and everything it was always supposed to be. Thank God, thank my parents, my brother, thank my teachers, doctors, friends, family… Every day has not always been the easiest and there are always going to be new (and old) things to worry about--- but I have finally figured out that it’s probably been faith all along (and loads of other things) that have gotten me this far.
So far, it's assuredly been a "Whoa, what a ride!" sort of life! :) So,bring it on, State of Wisconsin, drippy facet, leaky tires & lingering loans! I've got my budget all worked out (for today anyway!) and I'm (mostly) ready for all of it!!!! (smiles)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Where can you play "Kick-the-Can" on January 10th, 2011?
River Falls!!!
Just after dinner tonight, as part of Sophia's homework from school today, the 5 of us spilled out into our front yard for an improtu game. It was hilarious, amazing and just what we all needed :). The actual assignment was simple: "GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY and be prepared to write about it tomorrow!" Oh the stories Sophia will be able to write about!! From daddy doing a goofy get-away dance (trying to avoid being tagged) to Carter's boot flying off when he went to kick the can--- Cecelia giggling like crazy over the whole charade and me practicing my "tree pose" in an attempt to stand in the shadows of the real trees--- We all just had a blast.
Truly who would have imagined a winter like this. Whatever snow was left in our yard has melted away with today's warmth. I'm surely not complaining, but I can't help but feel like we're all starting to hold our breath for a "snowmageddon" or a "blizzardpalooza"..... surely there must be one around here somewhere?!?! In the meantime, if you see some crazy people running around in a yard on winter street just after dinnertime on any given night... well stop in and join us! :)
PS--- I posted more random "hand-stitched" pictures yesterday on the other blog-- check it out if you'd like. :
www.firststitchphotography.blogspot.com
Just after dinner tonight, as part of Sophia's homework from school today, the 5 of us spilled out into our front yard for an improtu game. It was hilarious, amazing and just what we all needed :). The actual assignment was simple: "GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY and be prepared to write about it tomorrow!" Oh the stories Sophia will be able to write about!! From daddy doing a goofy get-away dance (trying to avoid being tagged) to Carter's boot flying off when he went to kick the can--- Cecelia giggling like crazy over the whole charade and me practicing my "tree pose" in an attempt to stand in the shadows of the real trees--- We all just had a blast.
Truly who would have imagined a winter like this. Whatever snow was left in our yard has melted away with today's warmth. I'm surely not complaining, but I can't help but feel like we're all starting to hold our breath for a "snowmageddon" or a "blizzardpalooza"..... surely there must be one around here somewhere?!?! In the meantime, if you see some crazy people running around in a yard on winter street just after dinnertime on any given night... well stop in and join us! :)
PS--- I posted more random "hand-stitched" pictures yesterday on the other blog-- check it out if you'd like. :
www.firststitchphotography.blogspot.com